Oh, Smart Phone…

How you have changed my life.  Let me count the ways….

You gave me Siri, the closest thing I have to a boyfriend.

Side note for iPhone users:  Feeling low?  Change the voice of Siri from “American female” to “English male.”   Then ask it questions like, “Does this shirt make me look fat?” Or “Do you think I’m pretty?”  You are guaranteed a delightful response!

You gave me the reverse photo lens and an instant audience allowing me to take countless photos of myself so I can share my narcissistic tendencies with people who barely know me.  I used to spend hours trying to draw myself but now I can use that extra time to do more productive things, like finding a real boyfriend.  I don’t even have to leave my apartment to find eligible suitors.  I literally have men in the palm of my hand!

If only there was a way my smart phone could be just a little smarter.  For instance, maybe English male Siri could somehow give pointers to men on what kind of photos to share or how to speak to women without being offensive.  Unfortunately, that technology is not available yet, so allow me to take it upon myself to give unwarranted advice to men because they clearly need it.

You may ask, “How are you even able to give this kind of advice?”  Good question.  I am not.  That is the beauty of unwarranted advice.  No warrant!  Men do it all the time.  They are constantly giving me advice that I did not ask for.  I am polite so I usually just smile and say, “great idea!”  even if I have a better one.  I am not going to do that anymore, but that’s a whole different blog post.  My experience is limited to non-serious use of a few dating apps.  I have been on Okcupid, Coffee Meets Bagel (better name, Hotdog Meets Donut), Bumble, Hinge and Tinder.  I did sign up for Match.com, but only halfway.  I got to the price options and thought, “Lifelong love and happiness for that price!?  Not worth it. PASS!”

Side note No. 2:  There is no shame in Tinder.  Your high horse is wooden and full of tiny Greek soldiers.  Those soldiers will take you down so stop raging war on Tinder, ladies.  Instead, appreciate Tinder.  Acknowledge its role in mobile dating and accept it for what it is, “the dating app that launched 1,000 dating apps.” Okay, technically that was Grindr but we can’t really join that one, can we?

Hear me out fellas.  I am not dogging you.  I am helping you.  I bet many of you are frustrated with online dating and there is a reason for that.  You suck at it.

But don’t worry!  I am here to help, in list form!

1.  Do not message us with one-word greetings like “Hi,” “Hello,” “Hey” and the dreaded “Wasssup?!”  That ad was made in the 90s when online dating didn’t really exist.  Back then, mobile “dating” happened in chat rooms and chat rooms were disgusting.  You have to let it go.  “But Scary Movie is still funny.”  Yes, it is but it was made years ago and pop culture has provided us with so many other options now. It’s over, man.  It’s over.  Speaking of greeting options, please stop sending us Adele lyrics if we don’t respond to “hello” right away.  It doesn’t work.  It does the opposite of work.
2. Please, have a picture. 
3. Do not have just one picture.  Especially if that one picture is this...

 

4.  If you are going to go for a headless picture of yourself with your shirt off, consider the following… 

If you post a picture like this…

I will assume that you actually look like this…

 

…and in that case, will dating you give me unlimited free tacos?

 

5.  Do not be offended if I don’t message back right away when you send me messages late into the night.  Actually, don’t be offended at all and stop being jerks when we don’t respond.  We are prettier than you.  We get about 100 messages to your 5 or less.  Chill.  Despite what society has taught you, we are not walking pieces of potential property for you, nor are we robots that do not require sleep.  I am not including the “Tinderbots” trying to sell you porn.  Those are actually robots, but you still don’t own them.

6.  We will never respond to dick size or dick pics.  See Above.  Valiant effort, but no.  If a girl responds to dick anything, she is messing with you so she can show her friends how stupid you are or maybe she writes a blog and needs some material.  She doesn’t like you.

Side note no. 3:  A Suggestion for the Ladies. When I get a “dick pic” I send back a picture of a cute baby and say “Doesn’t this baby kind of look like us if we got married and had babies together!?”  Scares that erection right back where it came from.

7.  Don’t use pick up lines that involve fruit or Samuel L. Jackson movie quotes.

8.  If I don’t call you back after a date, it is because I like someone else in the real world.  It has nothing to do with you.  I probably had fun with you.  Maybe it could have even gone somewhere.  Unfortunately I used this date to get my mind off of an unrequited love interest.  “Real world guy” always wins, even if he only started to call again just to “hang out” and not to “date” or to become my next future husband.  I’ve already forgotten about “mobile date guy” until he keeps texting to ask, “What went wrong? What did I do?” Nothing.  Don’t take it personal, but now that you are asking I am even less likely to talk to you again.  

9.  Stop using long messages to start a conversation.  We know you copy and pasted because we do it too.  Less words.  Remember, we get more messages than you do.

10.  AND PLEASE, just stop saying that you are a nice guy who is not looking to “hook up.”  We are appreciative of the online chivalry but we know that all men if given the opportunity would love to hook up.  Sure, some want more, like a real relationship, but they also want to hook up and that is okay.  So do we.

*Part 2 will be about the ladies.  Thoughts on that?  Add them to the comments!