Forever Alone?

So, here I am again….let my guard down and started to let someone in and they backed out. This time was three months. Sometimes it’s less than that, sometimes it’s a little longer, but not by much.

I’m tired. Tired of pretending that it doesn’t matter. That the next Mr. Right Now is around the corner. That it’s his issues and not mine. That there’s better fish in the sea. I am tired of being told almost verbatim how great I am and how I deserve better-is there a script that men memorize to break up with the nice girls?

I’m not asking for much. I’m really not. But it seems to find someone who wants to build a relationship is too much to ask. I’d been okay with the casual dating and keeping my distance. Then I met someone who seemed like a great fit; cares about a lot of the same issues (including the environment) and shares my political beliefs, hockey fan and city dweller. Level headed and mature, we hit it off and I began to get invested as the weeks ticked by. Recently he started pulling back, claiming he was an independent person and wasn’t able to keep plans. This was troubling, as I pride myself on becoming emotionally and mentally independent after my divorce. I didn’t feel it was extreme on my side to want to spend 2-3 nights a week together, as we had been doing all along. Then came the talk.

I’ve been through this fucking talk it seems like a million times. And it doesn’t matter how gently it’s delivered, I feel unwanted each time. Why do I allow myself to get hurt?

Why do I try?

My deepest, darkest fear is that I’ll never find real love. Each time I get “the talk” I’m more panicked than ever before.

But…..I try again……




3 thoughts on “Forever Alone?

  1. I am right there with you. The only difference is the minute I feel them pulling away or I feel I’m not getting what I need – I kick them. My friends think I kick them too soon and don’t give them a chance and they are right. I can handle the rejection when I’m the one pulling the pin.

    They all don’t seem to care enough to put in any effort. I’m done. I chose to be alone and the pain I carry with me fuels my writing and helps me to tell the stories of women like you and me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This sounds like exactly what I have gone through PLENTY of times. Every guy I would date wouldn’t last more than 3 months to the day. At this point in my life, I just said ‘fuck it’ and started focusing on myself. The only thing I care about is whether I am having fun, if I am happy, or if I am getting my needs met. I recently dated a guy that I was crazy about, but the same thing happened. He started to pull back. I was devastated and like you I felt like it would never happen. But once I shifted my focus on ME and what makes me happy, I have been attracting these guys are all about me! The funny thing is, I don’t care. Well I care, but not in the way that I’m relying on them for my happiness. I have finally figured out that I am the only one who can make me happy. It’s not anyone else’s job. Once you figure that out, everything else falls into place.

    Liked by 1 person

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