So, here I am again….let my guard down and started to let someone in and they backed out. This time was three months. Sometimes it’s less than that, sometimes it’s a little longer, but not by much.
I’m tired. Tired of pretending that it doesn’t matter. That the next Mr. Right Now is around the corner. That it’s his issues and not mine. That there’s better fish in the sea. I am tired of being told almost verbatim how great I am and how I deserve better-is there a script that men memorize to break up with the nice girls?
I’m not asking for much. I’m really not. But it seems to find someone who wants to build a relationship is too much to ask. I’d been okay with the casual dating and keeping my distance. Then I met someone who seemed like a great fit; cares about a lot of the same issues (including the environment) and shares my political beliefs, hockey fan and city dweller. Level headed and mature, we hit it off and I began to get invested as the weeks ticked by. Recently he started pulling back, claiming he was an independent person and wasn’t able to keep plans. This was troubling, as I pride myself on becoming emotionally and mentally independent after my divorce. I didn’t feel it was extreme on my side to want to spend 2-3 nights a week together, as we had been doing all along. Then came the talk.
I’ve been through this fucking talk it seems like a million times. And it doesn’t matter how gently it’s delivered, I feel unwanted each time. Why do I allow myself to get hurt?
Why do I try?
My deepest, darkest fear is that I’ll never find real love. Each time I get “the talk” I’m more panicked than ever before.
But…..I try again……