Oh Snapchat

The King and Queen of ghosting;  you had me at…

Whoa, this filter is like my own personal airbrush artist.  It does for nudes what spanks did for dieters AND it adds at least five hypothetical hours onto my sleep cycle.  Fucking amazing.

Hold up.  It’s a flower crown.  Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of becoming a beautiful, free-spirited goddess of the earth, with long, silk dresses that blow wildly in the wind; complete with flower crown.  (Obvi)  Mmm.  My skin looks like heaven and my eyes are all glossy.  Not like “you broke my belief in men forever” glossy;  More like “I am a mirror to your soul.  And you want to look in that mirror.. forever.” glossy.  Boys are going to love me so hard in this flower crown.

Ruff ruff!  Look at me!  An “a-dork-able” dog!  When I use my big, pink tongue to lick boys faces virtually through a glass phone screen in this so cute dog filter… I bet I get a text back…

oh snap.

  PSSSHHHHHH KAPOWWWW BAMMM!! 

Yep.  That’s it.  That is the sound of my head exploding out from my neck into a million little pieces (Hmm, Can I say that?  Lies aren’t copy write protected, are they?  Whatever.  Oprah has my back.  Probs) and hitting the floor in double slow-motion as the remainder of my decrepit body dances headless with excitement in my own entrails…In case you weren’t sure how that sound spells out… 

IT IS A FUCKING UNICORN.  I LOVE unicorns more than I love myself.  Yea.  THAT much.  But wait.  Not just any normal, everyday unicorn.  Hell no.  Snapchat gives us a rainbow vomiting, eyes wide and black, like some sort of fucked up Lisa Frank shit;  my dreams colliding with my nightmares and my favorite horror movies and my little pony and my childhood and cabbage patch kids and EVERYTHING…I can’t.  I can’t even…

I Fucking love you snapchat.  I want to make a baby with you.  There.  I said it.