This House is Blue

Posted on by Kate Louise

I haven’t written anything humorous in some time now.  I know, it’s shame because I’m hilarious even though I write like a drunken shrew who’s about half-way to death, way beyond crazy and spends most of her free time stalking boys from her car, while drinking a bottle of whiskey and eating entire bags of starburst jelly beans.  Thank you Easter!  Mmm…

Anyway.

It’s a character……Mom! 

I swear I am not as odd & obsessive as I portray my literary alter ego.  I am only slightly odd & obsessive.

And I like my character.  She’s like me, but turned up to 11.  You’re damn right, that’s a Spinal Tap reference and if you don’t know what I am talking about then you probably fit into the 80% of people who just don’t fucking get me.

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Waaaa, No one understands me?  I just want to pout in the forest of my own dark soul forever doomed by society’s misunderstanding my love of the color black.  Plus sad people look super smart and boys love a girl with a natural side….what were we talking about again?

I forgot my point.  Ugh.  Fuck it, I already wrote too much.  I am going to post this anyway.

So in conclusion…

I am awesome.

Mom, your daughter is mentally stable.

No, that goth chick isn’t really me.

And yes, this is my worst post to date.

Good day.

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Is it ever really a good day when there is so much suffering in the world?  And pain.  And Oswald Cobblepot style umbrellas with ridiculously sharp pointed tops that make you think, “Hmm.  Why does anyone need that?  I get the hook and all but clearly too many people are living in drippy sewers while also needing a weapon to take out anyone standing in their way of becoming mayor of Gotham City.  And when did Cat Woman get a taste for birds?  Like if I get pushed out of a window and get licked by a ton of cats, will I start wanting to eat birds too?  Oh my god.  I eat chicken and turkey already…AND those are both birds….“

 

3 thoughts on “This House is Blue”

  1. You’re so right in so many ways – it’s a slippery slope. It starts inconspicuously enough with chicken wings; then before you know you’re staring with unhealthy interest at blackbirds. Take it from one who knows…

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    1. I like to collect one single feather from each bird that I consume. Each one is labeled and kept in a fireproof lockbox. Today, #105 flies no more. Lately, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of birds chirping, only to find that there are really no birds at all…just the ones that live in my head…I call them Chirpy One and Chirpy Two. They like ping-pong.

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  2. Excellent! Nothing to worry about here everyone. Move along please. Thank you. Yes, keep moving please. She’s fine. Just hearing birds. Singing to each other. Of a night. All pretty standard. Move along now please….(you kill me!).

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